Writing an Asexual Character

Representation matters in media, and this post will focus on writing an asexual character. Asexuality is one of the lesser-discussed orientations, and when it is talked about, it is often misunderstood or ridiculed. My hope is that this list can shed some light on how to approach writing a character who identifies as asexual.

Currently, there is a lack of asexual representation in media, which may stem from a lack of awareness as to what asexuality is or a denial of its existence. While the percentage of asexuals that make up the world’s population is still unclear, the community seems to be growing as more people learn what asexuality is and identify with it.

According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), a great resource on this topic, an asexual person is one who does not experience sexual attraction, though they may experience other forms of attraction. The Asexual journal, another great resource, does a fantastic job of compiling the firsthand thoughts and diverse experiences of people who identify as asexual. Check those out to explore this orientation further.

I wanted to make a list of things to keep in mind when writing an asexual character in hopes it can help any writers (or anyone, really!) out there who want to learn more about this orientation. Please note that this list is not comprehensive, nor does it necessarily reflect the views of the entire asexual community. This is based on research I have done about asexuality as well as my own life experiences as a woman on the ace spectrum. It can be challenging to write about a sexual orientation that we are often not educated about or exposed to. My goal is not to tell you what or how to write, but to provide some insight into asexuality in case you are interested in including an asexual character in your story. I hope these tips help!

1. Asexuals are not broken. They do not need to be “fixed.”

First and foremost: there is nothing wrong with being asexual, just as there is nothing wrong with being gay, bisexual, pansexual, etc. If you are writing an asexual character, they do not need to be “fixed” or “cured” of their asexuality at any point in the story. That is not character development. Imagine how a reader on the asexuality spectrum would feel if an asexual character was deemed “broken.” Asexuality is a valid orientation, not a mark of the broken, and not an illness. It’s okay if at first your asexual character feels like something is wrong with them because society often sends messages that there is something wrong with people who don’t experience attraction in certain ways, but by the end of the story, they will hopefully understand that their orientation is perfectly valid. 

2. There is no one-size-fits-all asexuality.

People experience attraction or lack of attraction in different ways. This is true of pretty much all sexual orientations. Some asexuals identify as aromantic, meaning they do not experience romantic attraction and may not desire a romantic relationship, while others are romantically attracted to people and may want a romantic relationship. Some like kissing and physical contact, some don’t. Asexuals can be attracted (whether aesthetically, romantically, etc.) to people of the same gender or of different genders. “Asexuality” is an umbrella term that covers many different types of attractions or lack thereof.

Everyone’s experiences are unique to them. You might have one character who identifies as panromantic asexual (romantically attracted to all genders), another who identifies as homoromantic asexual (romantically attracted to the same sex), and another who identifies as aromantic. Another may find people physically attractive, but not desire a romantic or sexual relationship with them.

Your character might use lingo common in the asexual community to distinguish where they fall on the spectrum. Some people use the term “ace” for asexual and/or “aro” for aromantic. Those who identify as somewhere in the grey area between asexual and sexual attraction sometimes refer to themselves as “grey-A” or “grey ace.”

3. Asexuality is only one part of a character’s overall identity.

Sexual orientation should not be the sole defining feature of a character. Their personality, their hobbies, the way they treat others, the way they think, etc. should all culminate into forming who they are as a character. Asexuality shouldn’t be the only thing a character is known for. Treat them as you would any other fully developed character.

It is also important to note that asexuality can intersect with other parts of a person’s identity, such as gender, race, and ethnicity, to name a few. Take some time to think about your character’s overall identity and how it is affected by the components that make it up. 

4. Consider avoiding fetishization or condemnation of a character’s asexuality.

While this guide is not meant to dictate what you can and cannot do in your writing, it is worth mentioning a few things that people on the asexuality spectrum sometimes find hurtful regarding views of their orientation.

One example is fetishizing asexuality, such as portraying a character as an “innocent little flower” whose body is a prize to be won. Ideally, each character in a story is their own person, not a prize or an object.

Another example is condemning a character’s asexuality as if it is something wrong. This goes back to the point about people on the asexuality spectrum being portrayed as “broken” and in need of fixing. In a perfect world, there would be no stigma associated with a person’s asexuality or lack of interest in sex, but it is understandable that not every character understands that right off the bat. Maybe you could have a character who looks down upon another’s asexuality at first, but then educates themselves and changes their attitude during the story. Again, the goal of this is not to tell you what you can and cannot write, but to present you with a few things you may want to keep in mind while writing.

5. Some asexuals are sex-averse while others are not.

People have personal reasons for having or not having sex. They may want to experience what it’s like, it may feel good to them despite a lack of sexual attraction, they may want to have children, or they may want to please their partner (though it goes without saying that no one should ever feel pressured by their partner to do anything they do not want to do). On the other hand, some do not wish to engage in sexual activities at all. There are many reasons people choose to have or not have sex, and it does not make a person any less asexual either way.

6. Not all asexuals are sociopaths or miserable, lonely people.

Just because a person is asexual doesn’t mean they don’t understand love. There’s an untrue stereotype that all asexuals are sociopaths and vice versa. Sure, an asexual can be a sociopath, but that should never be their default. Asexuals are just as capable of caring about others as any other person. They are not all cold, unfeeling people, so please do not automatically associate coldness or a lack of love with asexuality. If a character acts like that, it should be because of their personality or internal/external factors, not their sexual orientation.

Similarly, asexuals are not all miserable, lonely people who are jealous of everyone they see in a happy romantic relationship. Just because a person is not in a relationship does not mean they are not happy with themselves or their lives. They simply may not desire a romantic or sexual relationship. Being without a significant other does not mean they cannot have enjoyable lives. Marriage and sex are not the only things that bring people joy in this world. Which brings me to my next point…

7. Societal messages tell us that sex is everything, which can leave an asexual person feeling alienated.

Every day we are bombarded with advertisements selling sex appeal, super sexual lyrics in popular songs, and other media that tell us romantic relationships are the most important things in the world. It’s no wonder many asexuals report feeling like outsiders. It can be frustrating to watch TV shows and movies that tell the audience that a character is worthless if they are not in a romantic or sexual relationship. On top of that, friends and family often ask us questions (usually with good intentions) like “Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?” or “When are you going to get married?” It can be challenging to explain that you are not interested in those things when it feels like you are expected to be.

Adding another layer to that, there are people out there who refuse to recognize asexuality as a valid orientation. There are some very disparaging comments about asexuality on social media and the Internet, and people who identify as asexual are sometimes excluded from queer communities. So there are times when an asexual person might feel like they don’t fit in anywhere. Understand how your asexual character might react to the types of messages society throws at them.

P.S. If there is anyone on the aro/ace spectrum reading this who has seen the aforementioned negative comments circulating online or in-person, know that your orientation is valid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

8. Asexuals can have very fulfilling relationships.

If your asexual character does decide to enter a romantic relationship, it can be a very fulfilling one. Keep in mind that if they are in a mixed orientation relationship, meaning their partner has an orientation that is different from your asexual character’s, their partner should never ever coerce or guilt trip them into having sex. Sex is not the key ingredient to a fulfilling relationship. A non-sexual relationship absolutely is not one of lesser value.

Society has a problem of devaluing non-sexual intimacy. A friend once told me she felt bad for me because I would “never feel love.” This comes from all those messages in society telling us love cannot exist without sexual attraction. Eschew that mindset and show that an asexual person can have happy, wonderful relationships without compromising who they are, what they want, or what they don’t want.

9. Asexuality, like other sexual orientations, can be a fluid thing.

A person may go their whole life without experiencing romantic or sexual attraction to anyone, then suddenly begin to find women physically attractive or develop a romantic attraction to a man. This can feel very confusing to an asexual who has never experienced attraction that way before. But it’s okay! Sexual orientations, including asexuality, exist on a spectrum and can be fluid.

At first, your asexual character may think he really wants to get married in the future, but he later realizes he’s more aromatic and desires no sort of romantic relationship. Or, an asexual character may not have experienced any desire for a romantic relationship before in her life, but then in her 30s meets a woman who makes her heart beat out of her chest. Another character may have been in a slew of unsatisfactory relationships before realizing she is asexual.

10. Just because an asexual person does not want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship does not automatically mean they find the relationships of others to be “gross.”

Trust me, some aces love a really good romance novel. And some are shippers rooting for their favorite characters to fall in love. And some laugh at dirty jokes.

If a friend of your asexual character gets into a romantic relationship, the asexual character is not going to react negatively just because it’s a romance (though she may react negatively if she thinks the relationship is unhealthy, a bad idea, etc.). We’re not here on the sidelines thinking, “Ewww, cooties!”

That being said, some people (not exclusively asexuals) feel uncomfortable talking about or thinking about romance or sex, and that’s okay too. But don’t make your asexual character hate those concepts in general just because they themselves do not want that kind of relationship. It is good to be supportive of others and whatever their orientations may be.

Final Thoughts

There you have it: 10 items to keep in mind when writing an asexual character. Reading stories that include characters of different backgrounds, feelings, and orientations is a wonderful way to become more open-minded and understanding. Your readers can learn a lot in the process, and it may bring them great joy to see themselves represented.

Thank you for reading, and happy writing!

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